My initiation

It was spring and the hovering buds on the apple trees in the garden broke slowly out of their

hard scales, into the sun. Ängsbacka was one of my favorite places on earth, a center

for spiritual growth in the middle of Sweden, and this week we had a easter gathering with

dance, yoga and bhajan. I was there to teach yoga in the mornings.

I arrived in the afternoon and in the west corridor, just outside my room and ran into Raven, one of my friends for many years. Raven came from Germany and we only met at Ängsbackas

gatherings a few times every year. We had a little flirt going on, nothing serious, we enjoyed

dancing together and playing with our mutual attraction on the dancefloor. But to be honest, I

would never engage deeper than that. He was the kind of man who knew he

looked good and didn’t hesitate to use his looks to get what he wanted. Raven was a


But this time, I immediately felt something had shifted in him. He was so

relaxed, his eyes were so soft and his energy worked as a magnet to my core. I dropped my

bags on the floor to receive his welcoming embrace, and I couldn´t leave. Hi´s warmth was

so comforting and I could feel his heartbeat in his chest. I was mesmerized by his fragrance

And as he held me close, I could feel him all the way down in my pussy. I couldn’t leave.

For a while my mind tried to come up will all sorts of excuses to leave his arms. Who was I to

take up his time? What if he had other places to go or other people to embrace and what if

he thought that I was in love with him or wanted something from him or… I am too much, to

close to… but I couldn´t leave. For 30 minutes or so, I fell, breath by breath, deeper and deeper into a space of melting silence. Time and space ceased to exist and my whole being surrendered to him.

After a while we looked at eachother with stars in our eyes, and I asked him frankly: “what the hell happened to you since we last met?”

Raven told me that since a half year back, he started to practise tantra. I was puzzled. At that

time I had been into yoga for many years and I also practised a tantric meditation technique

that took me nowhere but into strain and compulsion. Raven’s tantra however was a sexual

practice and according to him it was a fast track to enlightenment.

I didn’t believe him. I had lived in celibacy since a year back and I was very proud of myself.

I had always loved sex, but I had repeatedly found myself in bed with the “wrong guys”. I

was attracted to men that used me and in that way I abused myself for many years. I didn’t

believe in sex as a spiritual practice, it sounded absurd. In the tradition of yoga I practised,

brahmacharya was very important to sublimate sexual energy and convert it to creativity or


But nevertheless, Raven had changed a lot since we last met and I was curious.

The next morning me and some friends gathered around Raven in the garden for breakfast.

He told us about polarities and the attraction between the masculine and the feminine

energy and how the dance of polarities merge in the heart as love. I was all ears, it reminded

me a lot about the yogic philosophy and I wanted to know more. Raven asked me if I wanted a private session with him after the dinner the same night, and I said yes. We agreed to

meet up in my room at eight.

I didn’t see Raven during the dinner so I went straight to my room to prepare myself for the

session. I took a shower, shaved my legs and my pussy. I dressed in clean clothes and lay

myself on the bed with a book to wait for him to arrive. It was with great exhilaration I called

him in as he finally knocked on my door.

There he was, more gorgeous than ever. His masculine face was framed by long hair like a

lion´s mane and his arms hung relaxed by his sides. He closed and locked the door behind

him and called me to stand up from the bed and step out on the floor. And so I did.

“Undress for me”, he said and gave me a commanding nod.

I took of my dress and I let my my leggings fall to the floor. I shivered when I realized that he

expected me to undress my bra and my panties as well. So there I stood, naked in front of

him. Shivering.

He didn’t move, he just stood there by the door and looked at me. What did he expect from

me now? Were we going to have tantric sex right away and how would that be? Did he

wanted me to approach him or what? My mind was totally confused and the room started

spinning. But he didn’t move, he just stood there and looked me in the eyes. I have never felt

so naked in my entire life.

Suddenly I felt him. I could feel that he didn’t want anything from me, he didn’t expect

anything from me. He didn’t want to kiss me, he didn’t want to touch me, he didn’t want me

to do anything to him. He just wanted to see me, and he looked at me with reverence and

awe. And I could see what he saw. I could see in his eyes what he saw when he looked at

me. He saw God.

When I realized that he saw God in me, I suddenly felt God looking out of my eyes as well

and I saw God in him and God everywhere.

Rays of light sprung out of the halo of gold that surrounded us and I could feel myself in every breath. So there we stood there like divine embodiments of man and woman, and after a while he bowed in gratitude to me and left the room. I stumbled back to my bed and layed down on

my back with one hand on my beating heart. I could´nt grasp what just happened, and the

rushes of energy through my body. I couldn’t sleep that night. Tossing and turning in my bed


The day after I met up with Raven at the breakfast and I sat down close to him. We didn’t

mention the session from the night before but he kept on talking about tantra and sexuality

as a spiritual practice. He talked about the importance of presence and surrender and

everyone around the table seemed very interested. When we went to leave our dishes he

asked me if I wanted to try another session tonight, and of course I said yes. In fact, the

whole day I couldn’t think of anything else than the promised session. I was so curious and


He came shortly after eight o´clock. This time he actually sat down on my bed. We didn’t talk, but he caressed my face and my neck and he started to take command over me in a way that I really enjoyed. He bent my head back and kissed me on my neck and my shoulders. Then he looked me in the eyes, deep and long and he didn’t let go of my gaze. He lifted me up on his lap and started to arouse me, and at the same time he looked me straight in my eyes. He started to touch my spine in a way that I never felt before. He knocked his knuckles on my chest bone and made my spine move in waves. I gasped in delight and then he started to move my hips on top of his hips in spirals and circles. I could feel his erection under my pussy and I closed my eyes and leaned my head back as I moaned with pleasure.

Immediately he snapped his fingers in front of me and pulled my neck back so he could gaze

in my eyes again. We were breathing rhythmically together and I felt totally confused. I had

so much resistance in my muscles, so much control. When I was about to let go of control

and be fully under his command, a wave of bliss came over me and made me close my eyes

and drift away. But he wouldn’t let me go. As soon I he felt that I lost presence, he snapped

his fingers in front of my face and commanded me to look him in his eyes. Waves of

pleasure and joy broke my patterns of control and confusion and he took command over me

and kept me present. After a while we rested together in silence, gazing into the stars in

each others eyes. He didn’t wanted to make love to me this night either, what was a big

surprise to me. I had never met a man who wanted a date from me a