I have been thinking a lot about what makes a person a sexual abuser. I have had clients who were abusers, boyfriends who were abusers and friends who were abusers and probably I have been sexually abusive too. There are three kinds of sexual abusers.
In this article I will focus on the normal people and why a “everyday Joe” gets to be a sexual abuser. Anyone can be a sexual abuser. And the reason why is because we live in a culture of sexual oppression, of lack of intimacy, lack of touch lack of honesty and openness and lack of courage.
There is a link between lack of touch and intimacy and lack of honesty and courage. People who weren’t properly loved, that means, that they didn’t get their basic need of physical touch met, they tend to be more aggressive and less empathic. They also develop a less social behavior and less intelligence. It is harder to speak, to be open and honest if you are insecure and unloved.
Because that’s what a sexual abuser is. A insecure and unloved person. On the surface he or she might look secure, but it’s just a shell of protection.
Many times we think of a sexual abuser or a rapist as a dark stranger in the park with a sadistic sexuality, but most sexual abuse happens within a relationship. A insecure person who can’t talk about emotions or who has the need to perform and seem like a superior all knowing being, WILL have difficulties to handle sexual energy as it builds up.
When you can’t handle high levels of sexual energy, you either ejaculate or go deep inside and turn the outside world off. It’s like flowing in to a cloud where everything you perceive is YOU. When you lose connection to the one you make love with, it´s easy to become a abuser. Someone who TAKES no matter what. Someone who aren’t there for anyone else but the egoistic self.
What might have started like a beautiful connection and intimate lovemaking, can easy move to a place of abuse if there is no presence and no communication. It is both the partners responsabillity to be present with each other and to communicate if the intimacy moves in to ego.
In a situation of a sexual abuse, both sides has a responsibility. The “victim” has the responsibility to be very clear and communicative when the partner crosses a boundary, and the abuser must be willing to turn back to presence without projecting rejection on the partner and to be fully be responsible for the actions.
In a sexual meeting with high intensity of energy, both the victim and the abuser might be unable to contain the high intensity of energy. The victim might lose the power stand up for the boundary and the abuser loses the empathic connection to the partner.
If the victim is silenced by the abuser by arguing, threat or violence, the abuser turns into a rapist.
So most people really don’t want to be rapists, but many rapists turns into rapists by losing consciousness and losing connection with their partner.
The book SEX - Sanningar och Myter brings openness to the dynamic between lovers. One of the most important parts of the book is the COMMUNICATION between lovers and in one self. To learn how to express the needs no matter how intense the energy gets, or even better - before the energy gets intense.
This book is my contribution to end RAPE and ABUSE. And I need your help… Right now we have 30.000 Sek and I need 90.000 Sek more to be able to publish the book. Once the book is published, schools, clinics and refugee centers in Sweden will have the copies of the books handed out for free.
You can contribute with 1 Sek if you just energetically want to support the project - or support with more. If you support with 25.000 Sek or more you’ll get a free workshop or lecture to your work, your organization or your friends.
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