I am in the israeli desert, on the border to Jordan. Not far from the lowest part on earth, the dead sea. The festival Cosmic Lovers is scheduled at the last week of december and I am here alone to share my work. The desert scares me, I feel lost in a environment that I know nothing about.
Sand, date trees and people speaking in a language I can’t understand. My fear isolates me. I hide in my caravan with excuses of work and I spend too much money for extending the surf on my mobile phone checking for new messages from my family.
I can’t be present. I am only longing back home to my family and I start judging people around me. I am aware of all this and I just hope it will pass. Meanwhile, I am hiding in the caravan.
Fear of being rejected
I am here in the desert to present my work, THE ART OF LOVE, and yes it is a art to be able to love. To be able to fully feel and express love. Many layers of fear covers the love and maybe most of all I fear being judged and rejected. So instead I judge myself, I judge my curiosity and I judge my burning passion for life and for people. This shadow of ego is like a thin veil covering everything. I can easily see through it, but yet it is painful not to be totally free.
Many times the shadow of ego mind is totally transparent and I can see everything clearly and for me that is the art of love. When I see through the fears, the social games and the contractions. When I see through all of that - I see only love.
In the workshop space I see all of this, the love, the games we play and the fear behind it. And I also see the true and sincere longing that springs from the core of love in all of us. The longing to connect and to feel fully alive.
In the workshop space I am in deep meditation and I move through the shadows to open the soul to more light. I love it. But now, in the caravan, surrounded by all my shadows, I pull the duvet over my head to endure until my next workshop.
Yoni healing, the deep healing of the feminine
Yoni healing is one of my favourite workshops. It’s simple, mind blowing and super powerful. I developed this healing structure after reading the book Vagina by Naomi Wolf and after receiving a deep sexual healing from a lover. Now I share this life changing healing art with people around the world.
Before the workshop I prepare the space, I clean it and I light frankincense and let the white fumes fill the room. Then the room is filling up with people and we start all together. After I have given the instructions and guided the participants in to meditation, I am the observer. I see in the way the women react on the healing how their bodies are revealing their life stories. Some of them can’t even be touched on the yoni, they spend the time crying in the beloveds arms, some of the women wonders over the power that awakens in the yoni through the presence of her partner. Other woman moans of bliss and their bodies ungulates of orgasmic waves. It is a divine experience.
When I met the man I call my jewel
After the workshop a man approaches me. I feel him as a sensitive and very curious person. In one way insecure but in another way he appears very brave. He comes to me and shares his worries about the session he gave to a woman he just met. Maybe he is in doubt over his “performance” (a word many men suffers from when it comes to sex) and maybe he had a strong and beautiful experience and didn’t feel met by the woman who was on the receiving end.
But I receive him. And I listen to his words. It is such a simple but yet powerful gift to another being, and now the honesty pours out of him as a river. He starts sharing his personal sexual journey and how he is here to relearn some old patterns. I feel him in my heart I am honored by hi’s deep and intimate sharing. I tell him to go and find another woman who is more receptive and less stressed who can receive his healing… It is a gift for any woman, this willingness to touch her deepest. To touch her soul through her yoni.
After the workshop I go for dinner with my friends. I feel lighter already. A successful workshop and a few hours meditation is the remedy for my ego shadows.
I have a great night with my friends by the fire and I really start enjoying myself here in the desert. My connection with the tribe grows and I feel welcome and safe. The desert starts to glow and the peace is soothing. The day after I have a workshop called soulmate dating and sexual healing. It is a bold workshop about attraction, about being authentic and open to the source to work through you as a tool for healing. Again I meet the man from the yoni workshop and we start to talk. I ask him if he found a date to give the yoni healing to and he says that he didn’t and then he adds, “I was thinking of asking you”.
Hi’s direct and unhidden honesty chocks me a bit. I am surprised over his courage and in a way honoured. But going for a yoni healing with a random, who I don’t even feel attracted to is a definite no. I have had many clients who has expressed their yearning to learn yoni healing by practicing on me, but I never allow that.
My yoni is so alive, so bursting with energy and I am very sensitive for the intention behind the way she is touched. I am honoured by this man’s question and I just give him my silence as a answer. But when I look at him, I see something unusual in him. This man is different. Before I go to start the workshop he says something to me about the way I smell. I know what my smell is - it is the smell of my sweat uncovered by deodorant. My own fragrance mixed with rose oil or oil from tabac root. “You look like a bride in that dress”, he says, “and you smell like… sweat”. Now something in me moves. Like a animal waking up slowly. Something roars in my belly and takes a short glimpse out of my eyes. I have to start the workshop.